Saying goodbye

For now, it is my intention to take a leave from Twitter and from blogging. I really hadn’t intended to do this tonight, but it has been on my mind for awhile. If I have any chance of achieving my dreams it is necessary. The dreams have been all but dead. I have been frustrated and pretty much ready to let it all go. But, I have decided to give it one last shot. To do that, I need to give it all of my focus.

Damn, I don’t even know what I want to say here. It is so difficult to say goodbye. For most of my life I have been a solitary person. I was alone by choice, but also because I never quite felt like I fit in. A whole new world opened up for me when I discovered social networking. I have met some truly amazing people. Many of you have changed my life for the better without even knowing it.

I am not canceling my account on Twitter because I don’t believe in burning my bridges. My blog however is different. It is not read by many and has been the source of many frustrations for me. This may be my last entry here. For those few people who have read my posts on a regular basis, thank you. I have appreciated your support.

I don’t know if this is going to be permanent. I just know that it is something that I have to do for now.

Incredibly Sad

It came over me like a wave, unexpected. It enveloped me. This overwhelming feeling of sadness shut me down.

I had been reading blogs about mothers and daughters, death and coping. I am not sure of the exact trigger.

This is not the first time and I am certain it will not be the last. Sometimes it is my Dad that I am missing, but this time it is my Mom. The thing is, she is still with us.

It was a pleasant evening. I was playing tunes and catching up on Twitter. I saw a link to a blog and clicked on it. I was moved emotionally and found I could not comment. Then I couldn’t do anything. I shut down my computer and tried to distract myself with some mindless TV. It didn’t work.

I tried to sleep, but now I can’t stop crying. Even writing it out isn’t helping. This feeling is nameless and unfocused. So I guess I will just go with it.

Grief is a funny thing. It sometimes catches you unaware like it did me tonight. I have always said that we were given a full range of emotions for a reason. Sometimes you just need to feel sad.

A Blue-Sky Day

This past week has been particularly nasty weather-wise here in Minnesota. The temperature was in the 90's coupled with high humidity daily. It could best be described as a sticky, hot mess.

On Tuesday and Thursday, each day ended punctuated by strong thunderstorms creating some equally nasty urban flooding. I had the misfortune of driving home at the height of Tuesday's storm from south Minneapolis. I had wanted to get on I-94, but missed the exit because I could not see it through the downpour. I was then forced to go through downtown Minneapolis, which was probably the safer thing to to anyway. I could drive at a slower rate of speed and at times I was barely creeping along. I could see the beginning of some street-flooding as water collected by the curb. People were huddled in doorways and under bus shelters looking up. The lightning and thunder was at times simultaneous, directly overhead.

I could have gotten on I-394 at that point, but decided to continue on the backstreets and lesser traveled highways. I chose to drive Hwy 55 and drove past the Minnesota Twin's stadium, Target Field, to pick it up. The stadium was dark, but illuminated by the still frequent lightning. Good thing the Twins were on the road.

I had pretty much avoided any totally flooded streets up to that point, but I hit a really big puddle on Hwy 55. There was no way to avoid something you can't even see. I just prayed I wouldn't stall out in the middle. I didn't and made it home safely.

During Thursday's storm I was at work. I could see the storms approach on radar. I work in a group home and am responsible for the safety of the residents. It is part of my job to monitor the weather in case it turns severe. So I had the Weather Channel up on cable and several radars up on my computer. But, it was mainly just heavy rain, loud thunder and again frequent lightning. So there was no need to move anyone to the designated safety area. However, one of my ladies is scared of storms. She kept waking up and coming upstairs. It was a stressful night for both of us as the storms kept reforming in what is known as "training." It finally began to clear between 4 and 5am. Unfortunately, I start waking people up for work at 5:30am.

So this weekend I was looking forward to some nice weather. I had worked Friday night so I slept through most of Saturday. When I woke up today, the weather was beautiful. The sky was blue with white puffy clouds replacing the storm clouds from earlier in the week. The temperature was a comfortable 69 degrees and I was determined to enjoy the day.

I met my oldest brother Paul for breakfast and afterward drove to the Springbrook Nature Center in Fridley, MN. It was a glorious day for a walk. The air was still fresh from last night's rain. I watched as the tree branches were tossed back and forth by the wind. As I sat on a bench it occurred to me that it was like they were breathing, in and out. I wish I could describe it better, but I cannot. Instead, I would like to share with you the pictures I took today.




I also tried an experiment and did a video of what I was seeing. I wanted to share what I was hearing as well as seeing. I wasn't entirely happy with all of the video I shot. But, considering this is my first attempt, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. The best video I shot is below.



All in all, I would have to say that it was a good day. I hope you enjoy the pictures. It was the best I could do to share my blue-sky day with all of you.

What is truth?

What is truth?

We all have our own version, of truth, that is.

And in the long run, does it really matter?

We all live our lives in our own little spaces carved into the world until...

the end.

I wonder sometimes what my truth really is. What is real?

We all have our illusions.

Sometimes I think we lie to ourselves to keep from screaming,
to stay sane.

We create our own version of the truth so that we can sleep,
but, we don’t, sleep, that is.

We all lie…

awake

sometimes

and wonder…

what is truth?

X

Driving home I spotted an X just above the tree line. On the second photo I zoomed in to get a better shot.