Thankful?

I have struggled greatly this week with the whole concept of Thanksgiving. Life has been so confused and filled with stress, especially after my accident in late August. But, then I think back to a year ago at this time. When my co-workers and I were facing an uncertain future with an impending lay-off. We all went our separate ways, but are essentially still together though now mostly online, virtually.

And I guess really, the future will always be uncertain. What is important is how we approach it. We could cringe, cry and complain along the way or we can bravely go forth and take all that life has to offer. It is not all good, but that’s alright as there needs to be a balance. In looking back now, I am thankful for those friends, both virtual and those in my everyday life. You all helped me through the uncertain times in the past year in some way. Some days I leaned on you, other days you leaned on me. And of course, there were those days where we simply propped each other up.

So thank you friends, old and new, for giving me something to be thankful for. I consider myself truly blessed to know each and every one of you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Mary

Sadly, I am here once again; awake in the middle of the night. Well, I guess it could now be called early morning. This time, however, it is by design. For some ungodly reason, I agreed to do an awake overnight.

I think I have built up a tolerance to caffeine; it just does not work anymore. I think I have had four cups. It is not touching it… no buzz at all. Just flat-out tired and getting worse as each minute passes.

Lately, I have been suffering from insomnia. Now I have the opposite problem. It is a struggle to keep my eyes open. I am out of practice doing this. For most of my adult life I have worked overnights. The trick is to keep moving and hopefully get enough sleep before you come in. I can’t remember the last time I slept more than five hours at a time. Lately, it has been only about three.

I warn you now, this may not be grammatically correct. Frankly, I really don’t care. I was trying to do homework earlier, rewriting and revising copy for my editing class. I was trying to cut some of it to tighten it up, but I think I ended up with more. I can’t wait until this semester is over. I am tired of homework.

I wish I were not so unsettled.

One of my favorite things about working overnights at this house is the sunrise. There is a marshy area behind the house. I would always go out on the deck and just watch as daylight emerged and would just listen. It is so quiet; sometimes just a slight breeze would rustle the leaves. In the spring and summer you could hear the birds, not sure how many are still around. It hasn’t been really cold yet. But, it was cold enough last night that I had to scrape my car windows before I could leave.

I wonder, what time will the sun rise?

I can’t believe I am awake. My sleep has been so screwed up this week. I am not sure why, but usually when I cannot sleep it is because something is bothering me.

I have always been one to hold something inside. Play it cool as if nothing is wrong. Never let yourself be vulnerable, at least not on the surface. Do your crying inside.

That kind of thinking eventually catches up with you. I know better, but old habits are really hard to break. Just like old friendships. You may no longer have anything in common. But, it is the history that keeps you coming back.

One plus to waking early is that I have seen some really great sunrises. However, that does not appear to be the case today. It is another grey day here in Minnesota. But the overcast and drizzly sky reflects my current mood. So it is appropriate.

I am thinking that over the next few days I will be turning over some big rocks here buried deep within in my mind. It is far better than tripping over them in the dark as I have been doing in recent days. There is need now to find what is hidden. I must grab the fleeting thoughts that tease and torment me and serve only to disturb my sleep. And I really need to sleep again.