When your life journey becomes painful...

Sometimes I feel I am lead to people in pain. It has happened so often to me, that I almost see it as part of my job as I traverse the path on my journey through life. Most times I can help and somehow find the words that they need to hear, I can comfort them.

It is strange though, when I begin I usually don't have a clue as to what I am going to say or in some cases, write. But the words come and it is as if they are coming from outside of me somewhere. I am just the vessel, the instrument used to convey the message. But tonight was different, it was too close to my own situation. As I wrote, I knew that the words I was typing were not just for him, but for me as well.

I am in that unenviable position of having to take my own advice. It is in regards to my own mother. These past couple years it has become increasingly harder for me to go see her. I have made plausible excuses and even as others accept them, I know in my heart that they are just that, excuses.

I have actually already written about this, around and through this. I understand it, but I cannot accept it. I miss the mother that I had and find it hard to see and accept the woman that she now is. My mother and I were not always close. But through the years she became the strongest part of my support system and I have lost that now. I find myself feeling somewhat adrift. I grieve for a mother who still lives.