Azsky13: Whatever....

No title

2011-04-19T13:34:00.001-05:00

In my world todayConfusion, contradictionI really don't know anymore. What is it that I want?I think I need a break from all of this. Starting now.

Under fire - A rant for everyone

2011-04-12T23:49:00.001-05:00

Once again I am faced with a blank page and have no clue what to write. There are so many words and thoughts bubbling up inside me. There is so much that I want to say, but I just don't know where to start. I am finding the world to be so disheartening. I don't even want to turn on the news or go to the online sites. I normally love to hang out on Twitter and chat with my friends, but my stream

Coping in a troubled world

2011-03-16T01:29:00.008-05:00

I spend most of Friday through Monday offline. That is now my work week and I get 40 hours in 4 days, 2 – 8 hour shifts and 2 – 12 hour shifts. I work as an advocate at a group home and it is all pretty much direct care. I never know from day to day what challenges I will face. This past weekend I was cleaning up projectile vomiting in one bathroom while also caring for the person who was sick.

How much is enough?

2011-03-08T20:03:00.005-06:00

Today I took all of my coins to the bank to cash them in. It is something I do occasionally when the drawer I put them in gets full, usually around once a year. But today I did it because I had to cover my rent check. When I wrote it there was enough money in the account, but not by much. I wasn’t concerned as I had no pressing needs and I would be getting paid this week. But, I checked the

The People Rise Up and Say Enough

2011-02-17T19:37:00.016-06:00

These past few weeks the world has watched as the common ordinary people grew tired of the conditions of their lives and hit the streets to protest. Tunisia was first and the government tumbled, then Egypt and now Bahrain, Iran, and Iraq. The politicians and the pundits pondered and posed questions, contemplating a possible “domino effect” in the Mideast. But perhaps they should have been looking

Reflections on the first day of 2011

2011-01-02T15:38:00.024-06:00

It was very hard to get out bed yesterday. Nothing really profound or troubling, my apartment was just chilly. It might sound strange, but I usually have my thermostat set at 60. My apartment has a southern exposure and the low winter sun shines in most of the day. On occasion the temperature would climb to 80 during the day. I really don't like hot so I usually open the deck door to cool things

Why I hate Christmas and all major holidays

2010-12-24T09:46:00.005-06:00

I am not a Scrooge or a Grinch, really I am not. I lost my love of Christmas not long after I became an adult. At first I think I was appalled at the commercialization of what I saw as a spiritual event. But, back then I was a “re-born” Christian making everyone around me miserable as I tried desperately to save their souls. I was so bad that my Mom thought I had joined a cult and it drove her to

Courage: Standing up to the haters

2010-11-26T14:35:00.013-06:00

After the positive glow of the holidays, it never takes long for the real world to come crashing back in. I was on Twitter this morning when my good friend, Jenny,(@LivefromNoVA) posted the following 3 tweets. "Today, I had my first real experience with fearing for my own safety because of my sexual orientation. It's not a good feeling. ”I was looking at books in section called "gay and lesbian

Things I Am Grateful For (2010)

2010-11-25T09:22:00.006-06:00

It is the season for giving thanks. But I am not just thankful, I am grateful. At this moment I am sitting alone in a motel room in my hometown. The weather outside is exceedingly crappy and I have no desire to slip, slide around town. I am here so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my mother. For the past several years she has resided here. My mother was fortunate to be able to live

Minnesota Fall Color October 3rd 2010

2010-10-04T18:43:00.007-05:00

Saying goodbye

2010-08-27T04:04:00.001-05:00

For now, it is my intention to take a leave from Twitter and from blogging. I really hadn’t intended to do this tonight, but it has been on my mind for awhile. If I have any chance of achieving my dreams it is necessary. The dreams have been all but dead. I have been frustrated and pretty much ready to let it all go. But, I have decided to give it one last shot. To do that, I need to give it all

Incredibly Sad

2010-08-24T00:38:00.003-05:00

It came over me like a wave, unexpected. It enveloped me. This overwhelming feeling of sadness shut me down. I had been reading blogs about mothers and daughters, death and coping. I am not sure of the exact trigger. This is not the first time and I am certain it will not be the last. Sometimes it is my Dad that I am missing, but this time it is my Mom. The thing is, she is still with us. It was

A Blue-Sky Day

2010-08-15T16:41:00.009-05:00

This past week has been particularly nasty weather-wise here in Minnesota. The temperature was in the 90's coupled with high humidity daily. It could best be described as a sticky, hot mess. On Tuesday and Thursday, each day ended punctuated by strong thunderstorms creating some equally nasty urban flooding. I had the misfortune of driving home at the height of Tuesday's storm from south

What is truth?

2010-08-07T04:13:00.003-05:00

What is truth?We all have our own version, of truth, that is.And in the long run, does it really matter?We all live our lives in our own little spaces carved into the world until...the end.I wonder sometimes what my truth really is. What is real? We all have our illusions. Sometimes I think we lie to ourselves to keep from screaming,to stay sane.We create our own version of the truth so that we

X

2010-08-06T09:03:00.010-05:00

Driving home I spotted an X just above the tree line. On the second photo I zoomed in to get a better shot.

Terminal Cancer: Choosing not to merely prolong life

2010-07-26T17:00:00.006-05:00

I read an article today that took me back five years to probably the most difficult time of my life. Back to a time I when I watched my father die. Dad was 87 years old and had not been feeling well for awhile. I suspect, longer than he let anyone know. When Dad finally agreed to go to the doctor he admitted that he had not wanted to go because he was afraid that it might be cancer. He felt

Community Garden at 22nd and Como in Minneapolis

2010-06-27T11:55:00.005-05:00

5 years later… Fresh Grief… Father’s Day

2010-06-16T06:44:00.003-05:00

Every year since my Dad died I think, it will be easier this time. It’s not. The day approaches, the anniversary of his death, and I find myself getting quieter. I go inside myself and I grieve like it happened yesterday. It has gotten so bad, that I would like to skip the entire month of June. Which is kind of tough as my birthday is also in June. It starts really with Memorial Day when I

Green Again!

2010-04-25T23:20:00.010-05:00

I was surrounded by green as I walked through the Springbrook Nature Center today. Trees that were only budding a week ago, were dressed full out in green today. It had been raining since yesterday and all the leaves were washed clean. The cool breeze had a bite to it, refreshing and cleansing as I breathed it in. There is a feeling of wildness walking through the woods here. Everything grows in

Fiction: Stranger

2010-04-15T04:00:00.005-05:00

"You are in danger stranger out on the road tonight.""Your car is not working and there is a storm fast approaching." "Get in. Come with me. I’ll drop you some place safe and dry.""So where are you from?""Why are you out on this stormy night?""You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. ""Things will get better. ""Sunshine and blue skies are in the forecast tomorrow.""What’s

Why do we allow fear to dictate our choices?

2010-04-10T09:12:00.014-05:00

This is a question that I have asked myself many times in the past weeks. It puzzles me. Our country was not founded on fear, it was founded by a people who stood up and fought for their rights rather than be subjugated and ruled by a faraway king. They did not fear, they were angry at the unfairness of a system in which they did not have a voice. They stood up and threw off the monarchy that

Mentally retarded does not equal stupid

2010-04-07T23:39:00.008-05:00

I literally cringe whenever I hear someone call another person "retarded" when they have done or said something stupid. I feel in many ways it is ignorance on their part, or laziness. I have even seen and heard people using the term "developmentally disabled" in the same way. In using the terms incorrectly, they are doing a disservice to a group of people who, by no fault of their own, have

Random thoughts

2010-04-02T04:47:00.003-05:00

Driving home from work yesterday morning I was forced to yield to five deer. I slowed as I saw them emerging from the trees. They had no fear as they crossed the road about ten feet ahead of me. At the time there was no one behind me, but I turned on my hazard lights anyway. They just meandered across the road without even a glance in my direction. I pulled off to the side so I could take a

pick yourself up...

2010-03-26T04:49:00.004-05:00

i am angry... i am tired of all of the ups and downs of messing with my mind. change the rules, keep me guessing ...plan A is fucked up so go to plan B... oh, so that is fucked up as well, on to plan C. no plan C yet well just keep going... you will think of something. i am just tired... why do they have to make it so hard? when is it enough? when will i have peace of mind? is that too much to

Nostalgia, the danger of looking back…

2010-03-21T06:07:00.003-05:00

I find myself awake yet again at 5am. But, at least this time I have had a few hours of sleep; not enough sleep, but adequate for now. I actually woke about an hour ago and could not fall back asleep because of the thoughts churning about in my head, thinking back… I have found myself doing that a lot recently. Snippets of conversations on Twitter, a blog post that would remind me of something I

My Gift to My Father

2010-03-18T22:54:00.004-05:00

This was originally published June 17, 2007 at Newsvine.com I am re-publishing it here at the request of a friend.Today is not just Father's day for me. It is also the anniversary of my father's death. On June 17Th 2005, I lost my father to cancer. The cancer had not been caught early enough and there was nothing that could be done to save his life. The only treatment the doctors offered was to

Duckies on Ice

2010-03-17T08:51:00.011-05:00

Springbrook Nature Center March 14, 2010:I left my apartment today with the intention of having breakfast at Keys Café (my absolute, favorite place to eat) and then take a walk at the Springbrook Nature Center in Fridley. I was hoping to see some birds today and maybe a few ducks. I was in luck, but the first water fowl spotted was not at the nature center. There were two mallards right by my

I need to write again

2010-03-16T09:05:00.006-05:00

I need to write again. It has been quite awhile now that I have really written from the heart. But, I was mentally exhausted. I just needed some time, some quiet and to slow down. When I think back now over the past five years it is no wonder that I am exhausted. It started with the death of my father. I won’t go into great detail here. I have written of it elsewhere. He died of cancer. When he

Fiction: The Cycle of Life

2010-03-14T13:38:00.008-05:00

Ruth paused from washing her dishes to look out her kitchen window. Her robin was back. She smiled as she watched him gobble up the grape jelly. She loved watching her birds. It made doing the dishes a less dreary chore. She had put out the grape jelly to attract orioles, but the robins seem to like it also. "Missy come here quick!" Her little granddaughter had just come into the kitchen for

Duck Soup for Breakfast

2010-03-13T06:55:00.009-06:00

Several years ago I wrote a number of short stories as part of an informal writing competition called "the last fiction writer standing." We were given a picture as inspiration and from that wrote a short story of at least 500 words. I plan to re-publish some of them here. Today's story was originally published on my column at Newsvine.com on June 6,2007 Duck Soup for BreakfastOld Ben woke to the

Springbrook Nature Center March 7, 2010

2010-03-07T18:29:00.009-06:00

I really hate the piles of dirty snow that are now all that is left of the past winter’s storms. It is all so pretty when it first falls. The pristine beauty of clean, fresh snow covers everything. But after a couple of days the sand and gravel that are spread for traction turns the snow by the roadside into a dirty grey. It gets even worse as the temperature warms and the snow melts. The

Signs of the Times

2010-03-06T21:16:00.003-06:00

Woke up this afternoon and found once again that I had no food in the house. Well, that is not exactly true. I had no food in the house that didn’t require an effort to fix. I like to cook, but after only four hours sleep, I really didn’t feel like it today. So I pulled myself together and I ended up at a neighborhood restaurant. After I was seated and had ordered, I had a chance to look around.

Just Searching for a Friend

2010-02-28T13:50:00.011-06:00

Sunday morning breakfast was heaven. But I was not yet ready to go home. Should I go right and hit the nature center for a quick walk? A little exercise would be good for me, but nah… not today. I was about to turn left and drive home when another option popped into my head. Books! There was a Barnes and Nobles close by. I really can’t afford to buy books right now, but maybe I could find

Trapped by Compulsion

2010-02-25T23:39:00.007-06:00

I greet you with a smile." Hello!"You stare at me for several long seconds.Recognition first appears in your eyes.You suddenly see "me."A slow smile fills your face."Hello Mary!"A hug quickly follows."You give the best hugs!" say I."I miss you Mary!""I miss you too!"*********************************Your day is filled with routine acts, some followed compulsively,others not so much.But, don't

Winter Surprise

2010-02-14T19:16:00.005-06:00

I have always felt that no artist can truly do justice to the beauty nature provides. Try as they might to capture the essence of the scene, they will never capture the emotion that seeing it in the flesh evokes. After working a ten hour overnight shift, I was transfixed on my commute home. The beauty almost overwhelmed my senses. The tree limbs and branches where painted a delicate white, set

Don’t wait

2010-01-11T17:43:00.004-06:00

I have been reminded again of how fleeting and unpredictable our time here is. There are no guarantees. There is no way to prepare for death. It just comes. Our demise is an ultimate certainty, but the timing is not. The knowing of the when will always be a mystery. It is that unknowing factor that makes it important to not put off your life. Take the time to find the joy in everyday. Don’t

Book Review: "True Porn Clerk Stories" by Ali Davis

2009-12-15T12:08:00.013-06:00

At some point in our lives we have all had to do a job that we may have thought was beneath us or somewhat distasteful. A job we took out of necessity rather than desire because, unfortunately, the bills don’t pay themselves. Ali Davis was trying to make a living as a freelance writer and a performer in Chicago. Anyone who has tried to work freelance knows how difficult that can be. Davis took a

Thankful?

2009-11-26T17:59:00.005-06:00

I have struggled greatly this week with the whole concept of Thanksgiving. Life has been so confused and filled with stress, especially after my accident in late August. But, then I think back to a year ago at this time. When my co-workers and I were facing an uncertain future with an impending lay-off. We all went our separate ways, but are essentially still together though now mostly online,

2009-11-15T06:00:00.002-06:00

Sadly, I am here once again; awake in the middle of the night. Well, I guess it could now be called early morning. This time, however, it is by design. For some ungodly reason, I agreed to do an awake overnight. I think I have built up a tolerance to caffeine; it just does not work anymore. I think I have had four cups. It is not touching it… no buzz at all. Just flat-out tired and getting worse

2009-11-14T08:09:00.004-06:00

I can’t believe I am awake. My sleep has been so screwed up this week. I am not sure why, but usually when I cannot sleep it is because something is bothering me. I have always been one to hold something inside. Play it cool as if nothing is wrong. Never let yourself be vulnerable, at least not on the surface. Do your crying inside. That kind of thinking eventually catches up with you. I know

NaNoWriMo - 2009

2009-10-28T16:35:00.005-05:00

Have you ever wanted to write a novel? Yeah you… be honest now. You know you have a story to tell. Well here is your chance. November is National Novel Writing month. NaNoWriMo is a writing competition in which the participants attempt to write 50, 000 words between Nov 1st and Nov 30. It would be approximately the equivalent of 175 pages. This year I am doing it. I know what you are thinking

Just write, okay...

2009-09-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

It is easier said than done. I have always wanted to be a writer. I have always expressed myself best in words. But at the same time was afraid to write. Why? I think it was because I was afraid I would reveal myself too much emotionally. That everything I have wrapped up inside me would come tumbling out. People would look and see me for who I really was and reject me. We all have our faces

An Old Song Becomes New Again

2009-08-23T23:27:00.009-05:00

"Layla" by Derek and the Dominos has always been one of my favorite songs. The group features Eric Clapton before he went solo. I don't remember if it was before or after he played with the group Cream. No one plays guitar like Clapton, I can pick him out anywhere even if he is playing on someone else's track. But the reason I like "Layla" best of anything Clapton has done is the interplay of

Walter Cronkite, Rest in Peace

2009-07-18T06:21:00.007-05:00

It was as if a friend had died or a member of my family. I am a child of the 60’s, a tumultuous time to be growing, to be coming of age. It was a time before the Internet and the news of the day came nightly at 5:30pm. I grew up in rural, southern Minnesota and although there were 3 networks on TV, the CBS station out of Mankato was the one that came in the clearest. So every night we would

What gives you Hope?

2009-07-08T13:41:00.005-05:00